A near death experience

As everybody should know, my balance while standing is TOTALLY gone. When I’m in an upright position, I am stumbling and staggering way worse than I ever did when I had the excuse of alcohol. At the very best of times, I sway like a slender tree in the wind.

This is something that is with me all the time, but occasionally it’s not as bad as other times. Perhaps I have gained a little inertia movement or something to steady me. But not often.

Usually, standing upright without falling is a problem for me. I am constantly  putting out my hand on something to steady myself. I would use both hands, but the other hand is occupied with keeping the oxygen umbilical cord from underneath my feet, so I don’t stumble over that. There is just more and more work that I have to do to just stand!

So, anyway, I was in the bathroom, as I often am during the daytime hours, doing what a man my age is constantly doing. As I put it, my major daily exercise. (Going, not doing!)

I finish, then, bending over, I reached for my sweatpants to pull them back up. As I did this (with BOTH hands), my imbalance shouted out “Hey dummy! Remember ME!?” and I started tipping forward in the direction of my bending body. DIRECTLY towards my bathtub.

Through some miraculous acrobatics, I was able to recover from my teetering, and bracing my head against a handy wall, I finished pulling up my pants while angrily shouting at the uncaring universe and its evil pranks. Stupid uncaring Universe!

I thought about the potentially disasterous fall that I had just avoided. If I hadn’t rescued myself, I would have likely pitched forward, head first into the bathtub, with my hands still jerking at my pants. I figured the end result could very easily have been, me, face and head smashed into the bathtub, with my bare a** sticking up over the edge of the tub, expiring as my life blood flowed from my head down the drain.

I would have really pitied the poor person that discovered my body in THAT awkward position! I’m sure I would have been automatically entered into the Funny Death contest.

But the mess would have been easy to clean up.